Strengthening Connection with Yourself and Others
Strengthening Connection
Finding Connection: The Power of Understanding Self and Others in Therapy
As a couple counsellor, I often see how misunderstandings and emotional disconnection impact relationships. Something I explore with both individuals and couples is the model of self and the model of others. These models shape how we interact in relationships, and understanding them is a vital part of healing and growth.
The model of self reflects how we view our own worth, abilities, and needs. When we feel insecure or unworthy, we may struggle to trust others or may shut down emotionally. This can create distance in relationships. On the other hand, the model of others involves how we perceive those around us—whether we believe they are trustworthy, supportive, or capable of meeting our emotional needs. Misalignment in these models can result in conflict and disconnection.
Dr. Sue Johnson, a pioneer of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), highlights the importance of emotional responsiveness in relationships. Sue said, “The key to intimacy is emotional accessibility.” This means that for both individuals and couples, it’s essential to express vulnerability, share emotional needs, and respond to each other’s cues with empathy and support.
In EFT, the focus is on understanding how attachment patterns from childhood influence our adult relationships. When we recognise these patterns, we can reframe how we respond to emotional cues. EFT encourages partners to reach out for comfort and understanding, not just to resolve conflicts but to build deeper, more secure connections.
Attachment Styles: Understanding How They Shape Us
An essential aspect of attachment theory—central to EFT—is understanding your attachment style. Your attachment style is developed in childhood and impacts how you connect emotionally with others throughout your life. According to attachment theory, there are four primary styles: secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganised.
Secure attachment: People with this style are comfortable with intimacy, trust others, and can communicate their emotional needs.
Anxious attachment: Individuals may feel insecure in relationships and seek constant reassurance. They often fear abandonment.
Avoidant attachment: These individuals tend to distance themselves emotionally from others to maintain independence, often suppressing feelings.
Disorganised attachment: Often linked to trauma, this style involves a mix of anxious and avoidant behaviours, creating confusion in relationships.
These styles play a crucial role in how we relate to our partners, family, and even friends. Understanding which attachment style you align with can provide deep insight into why you behave the way you do in relationships. If you recognise patterns of avoidance or anxiety, therapy can help you shift towards more secure ways of relating to others.
Tools for Self-Discovery
If you're curious about your attachment style, you can take a simple quiz to gain more awareness. The Attachment Project recently offered a quiz that helps individuals identify their attachment style and understand how it shapes their relationships. Free Attachment Style Test | The Attachment Project This type of self-awareness is often the first step toward healing and growth, helping individuals and couples recognise their emotional needs and learn healthier patterns.
Whether you’re in a couple or exploring personal growth, learning to shift your model of self and others can unlock new layers of understanding. As you become more attuned to your own emotional needs and those of others, you foster deeper connections that enrich your relationships.
The Attachment Theory: How Childhood Affects Life