Surviving Christmas: Strong Connection

small moments of connection

Staying close this Christmas

Christmas is often touted as the “most wonderful time of the year,” but for many couples, it can feel more like the most stressful time of the year — especially when you’re dealing with issues like family tension, betrayal trauma, and the added pressures of the holiday season. Throw in visiting in-laws, long hours, and the weight of trying to maintain a happy house, and it’s no wonder that many relationships feel a bit strained over Christmas.

If you’re navigating a tough patch in your relationship during the festive season, you’re not alone. Here’s some thoughts on how to not just survive, but thrive, as a couple through this chaotic time.

Recognise the Stress Factors

First things first — let’s name what’s going on. Christmas isn’t just about buying gifts and making everything perfect. It’s also a time where family dynamics can get intense. For many couples, this is when old wounds get reopened, stress levels rise, and feelings of resentment or disconnection bubble up. Add to that the challenges of betrayal trauma or ongoing emotional struggles, and the holidays can feel like a minefield.

According to Relationships Australia, Christmas can be a real stress-fest for families, and it often ends up taking a toll on relationships. In their December 2016 survey, they found that about one-third of people said their family relationships really felt the pressure over Christmas, especially when it comes to juggling work, family, and finances. Around 34% of women and 28% of men said the financial stress—whether it’s buying presents or dealing with the costs of the holidays—was a huge strain. And let’s not forget time with the extended family! A third of women and a good 35% of blokes admitted that spending time with in-laws or other relatives brought its own set of challenges. On top of that, a chunk of people (20% of women and 13% of men) said things like overindulging in food, booze, or even gambling made family vibes pretty tense. So, it’s no surprise that for many couples, the holidays can end up being more about stress than celebration (Relationships Australia, 2016).

It’s OK to Feel Disconnected

Christmas might make you feel like you're supposed to be extra “connected,” but it’s important to remember that feeling a little distant during this time is normal. When you're under stress, perhaps from family dynamics, it’s easy to feel emotionally overwhelmed. And when you’re feeling the pressure, it can be harder to feel close to each other.

When dealing with emotional stress or trauma, the need for reassurance is huge. Your partner might feel like they’re walking on eggshells around family members or might crave emotional closeness, but also feel like they're being rejected. This emotional push-and-pull can create a lot of tension. Research suggests that during times of stress, couples may struggle to communicate effectively, leading to more miscommunication and emotional disconnection (Davies & Coe., 2019, Family relationship dynamics: A developmental perspective).

But here’s the good news: this is temporary, and there are things you can do to rebuild your connection during the holiday chaos.

Practical Tips for Staying Close During the Christmas Period

Here are a few practical strategies to help you stay grounded as a couple while juggling family, stress, and emotional healing:

a. Take Time for Each Other, Even in Small Ways You don’t need grand gestures to reconnect. Small, everyday moments of closeness matter. Whether it’s sharing a quiet cup of tea, taking a walk together, or sitting down for a five-minute check-in, these small acts can help you feel emotionally connected. Just knowing your partner is there, even when things are hectic, can make a world of difference.

b. Communicate Calmly and Clearly If you're struggling with family tensions, especially around in-laws, communication is key. It's easy to slip into defensive or reactive communication when under pressure, but try to be mindful of how you talk to each other. Using “I” statements instead of “you” statements helps avoid blame and opens up space for more understanding. For example, instead of saying, “You never stick up for me with your parents,” try something like, “I feel hurt and alone when I don’t feel supported in front of your family.” This invites connection, rather than creating conflict.

c. Manage Family Expectations When it comes to in-laws, the holiday season can feel like a battleground. Research has shown that in-law conflict is a common source of stress for couples, particularly when family members are overly critical or intrusive (Family Therapy for Couples with Mother-in-Law Problems, Source: ScienceDirect). While it’s important to be respectful, it’s also crucial to set boundaries with your family — and your partner needs to back you up. If your partner’s family is staying with you over Christmas, have a conversation about how you can both support each other in managing the stress of being around them. This might mean carving out some “us” time away from the family or simply agreeing on a strategy for handling tense moments.

d. Validate Each Other’s Emotions This can be the hardest part, but also the most powerful. When you’re dealing with betrayal trauma, one of the key needs in a relationship is emotional safety. You both need to feel heard and understood without judgment. If your partner shares something vulnerable with you, respond with empathy, not solutions. Instead of jumping into “fix-it” mode, just say, “I hear you, and I understand why you feel that way.” Validation fosters trust, which is crucial when rebuilding emotional intimacy.

e. Create Space for Emotional Regulation The holidays can trigger a lot of emotions, both old and new. If you’re feeling overwhelmed or disconnected, it’s important to take time for self-regulation. This might mean stepping outside for a few minutes of fresh air, taking a short walk alone, or practicing deep breathing. Keeping your emotions in check will help you stay calm and connected with your partner, rather than reacting from a place of stress.

It’s Not About Perfection, It’s About Progress

It’s easy to get caught up in the pressure of creating the perfect Christmas. But this idea of perfection can fuel stress and disconnection. Instead of aiming for an ideal holiday, focus on progress. Recognise the small steps you're both taking to stay connected, validate each other’s feelings, and manage the stresses of family life. Each moment of patience, each act of kindness, and each conversation that brings you closer is a win.

Remember, you’re not alone in this. Many couples face similar struggles around the Christmas period, and it’s okay to reach out for support when needed — whether it’s a therapist, a trusted friend, or simply leaning on each other.

Christmas doesn’t have to be about grand gestures or holiday perfection. Sometimes, it’s the small moments of connection — even in the chaos — that make the biggest difference.

Davies, Patrick & Coe, Jesse. (2019). Family relationship dynamics: A developmental perspective.. 10.1037/0000099-010.

Relationships Australia. (2016). Christmas stress. [online] Available at: https://www.relationships.org.au/document/december-2016-christmas-stress/.

Tai Young Park, (2011). Family Therapy for Couples with Mother-in-Law Problems. Family and Family Therapy, 19(1), pp.23–51. doi:https://doi.org/10.21479/kaft.2011.19.1.23.

Call Robin today at Counselling Solution to help navigate this season 0421 224 070