Rekindling Desire and Deepening Intimacy
What do you both want sexually?
Connecting Around Sexuality
How we connect around sexuality is so much more than just the physical act—it’s about deepening our bond, understanding each other’s needs, and creating a safe space for intimacy. As couples, we’re wired for pleasure and connection. But finding that rhythm, especially when things aren’t quite clicking, can be challenging. The good news? Sex doesn’t have to be the problem—it can be the solution. By nurturing your sexual connection, you can strengthen your relationship and create a deeper sense of closeness.
So, what’s normal for you? What’s desirable? And what did you learn growing up about sex? We all pick up messages from our parents and the culture around us, often without realising it. These early lessons can shape the way we think and feel about sex—whether that’s a sense of guilt, confusion, or even unrealistic expectations. But here’s the thing: your sexual connection doesn’t have to be shaped by those old stories. It can evolve into something that works for you as a couple.
Desire Discrepancy: It’s Normal, It’s Human
One of the most common issues couples face around sex is desire discrepancy—the difference in how much sex you each want, or the kind of sex you’re looking for. Whether it’s a change in frequency, interests, or just a shift in desire over time, it’s completely normal for couples to experience fluctuations. We all go through it. Research shows that differences in sexual desire are common, and these fluctuations don’t necessarily reflect a problem in the relationship but can be linked to individual and shared experiences (Brotto et al., 2016).
But that doesn’t mean you can’t reconnect. Rekindling desire is all about understanding each other’s needs and desires—and that starts with conversation. Have you had an open discussion with your partner about:
What feels pleasurable for each of you?
What do you both want sexually?
What do you need to feel desired and loved?
How do you each define sex, both as individuals and as a couple?
These are tough questions, but they are the key to reconnecting sexually and emotionally. It’s not about getting it right or checking boxes—it’s about coming together and creating a sexual life that feels good for both of you.
Rewriting Your Sexual Narrative
What’s your narrative around sex? We all have a story about what sex means to us, whether it’s shaped by childhood messages, past relationships, or cultural influences. But that story doesn’t have to be set in stone. It can change and grow.
Ask yourselves:
What did you learn about sex from your family or your upbringing?
How does sex make you feel—excited, nervous, guilty, empowered?
How has your sexual life changed over time, and how do you feel about that?
What would you like your sexual story to be moving forward?
Your narrative can evolve as your relationship grows. It’s not about fitting into a particular mould; it’s about what works for you as a couple. Give yourselves permission to rewrite the story and be open to new possibilities.
Sexual Wellness: Moving Beyond Expectations
One of the biggest challenges in couples’ sex lives is the gap between expectations and desire. Expectations often come from external sources—society, media, or even well-meaning advice from friends. But desire is personal. What you want sexually might look very different from what your partner wants, and that’s okay.
Talking about it is the first step. But remember, just because you have a conversation about sex doesn’t mean you’ll immediately get what you want. The key is in holding space for that conversation—creating a safe, non-judgemental space to talk openly about your needs and desires. You may not come to a clear solution right away, and that’s perfectly fine. The goal is understanding, not immediate action.
Sexual wellness is about more than just physical satisfaction—it’s about emotional connection, mutual respect, and feeling seen and valued by your partner. It’s an ongoing process that evolves over time, and it’s something worth investing in.
The Power of Open Sexual Communication
One of the most important findings in relationship research is the link between sexual communication and sexual satisfaction. Cupach and Comstock (1988) found that open sexual communication was a significant predictor of both sexual satisfaction and overall relationship satisfaction. This was especially true in long-term relationships, where open discussions about sexual needs were linked to greater intimacy and connection.
Interestingly, the study showed that for men, open sexual communication had a stronger impact on overall satisfaction, while for long-term couples, the connection between sexual communication and sexual satisfaction was even more pronounced. It seems, the more openly partners communicate about their sexual needs and desires, the more likely they are to feel satisfied, both sexually and in their relationship.
Sexual satisfaction also acted as a mediator—meaning that couples who communicated openly about sex were more likely to experience overall relationship satisfaction because of the positive impact on their sexual life
Start the Dialogue: Make Space for Desire
Having an open and honest dialogue about sex can improve your intimacy, satisfaction, and overall relationship happiness. Research has shown that couples who communicate openly about their sexual desires are more likely to experience stronger relationships and better sexual satisfaction (McCarthy et al., 2014; Brotto et al., 2016; Cupach & Comstock, 1988).
So, start asking the big questions:
What does sex mean to me?
What does sex mean to you, my partner?
What does sex mean to us as a couple?
By exploring these questions together, you’ll start to understand where your desires align and where they differ. And through that understanding, you can find a way forward that feels good for both of you.
At the end of the day, sexuality isn’t just about the act—it’s about pleasure, connection, and intimacy. If you’re feeling stuck, disconnected, or unsure about your sex life, don’t be afraid to talk it through with your partner. Conversations around sex can be uncomfortable, but they’re crucial for rekindling desire and building a stronger bond. And if you find yourselves struggling to make progress, seeking support from a therapist or counsellor can help you navigate this journey together.
Your sexual connection is something worth nurturing. So, make space for the conversation, and you might just find that sex becomes the solution, not the problem.
References
Brotto, L. A., Gorzalka, B. B., & Luria, M. (2016). Sexual desire discrepancies in couples: The role of sexual communication, desire, and satisfaction. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 42(4), 267-284. https://doi.org/10.1080/0092623X.2016.1153957
Cupach, W. R., & Comstock, J. (1988). Satisfaction with sexual communication in marriage: Links to sexual satisfaction and dyadic adjustment. In D. O’Hair & B. Patterson (Eds.), Advances in interpersonal communication research: Proceedings of the WSCA Convention (pp. 185-197). Las Cruces, NM: Communication Resources Center of New Mexico State University.
McCarthy, B., McKinley, J., & Reece, M. (2014). The importance of communicating about sex to couples' sexual and overall relationship satisfaction. Journal of Sex Research, 51(4), 453-463. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2012.738174
Regan, P. C., & Lammers, J. (2010). Sexual communication and sexual satisfaction: The role of sexual self-disclosure in relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 27(6), 1001-1026. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407510386833