An affair doesn’t have to be the end of your relationship

Recovery is possible

"It feels like a bomb has gone off" is the feeling a person described after their partner disclosed an extramarital sexual affair. The fallout is devastating and the symptoms, such as hyper-vigilance and distress, are similar to post-traumatic stress disorder (Rokach & Chan, 2023, p. 13). It’s something you don’t plan for, could never imagine happening and it may feel like the relationship is over. 

However I believe it’s something you can recover from if you’re willing to work through it.

 Every romantic, committed relationship is precious and unique. Relationships are potentially a source of much pleasure and fulfilment. Infidelity or betrayal is a violation of trust and a severe rupture to a committed romantic relationship. It violates the foundational ground rules that relationships are built on (Rokach & Chan, 2023, p. 2). Trust is the glue that holds relationships together. Trust is foundational, takes time to build and is quickly destroyed by a betrayal such as sexual infidelity.

Emotionally focused couples therapists call infidelity an ‘attachment injury’ (Johnson, 2002, p. 23) and the deception results in loss of trust, heartache and feelings of anger, abandonment and deep sadness. The relationship is questioned and the difficult decision to stay will be based on your values, finances, and whether you have young children or not among many other factors.

It is possible for a broken relationship to heal and recover from an affair and many couples choose to take this brave step. The process begins with brutal honesty, transparency, and confession. It’s uncomfortable and painful. The couple must understand what went wrong by exploring the impact of this injury. It takes radical honesty and commitment to rebuild trust. The cheater must take responsibility for what has occurred and make amends for their actions. Gottman states the hurt person must be open to forgiving the cheater. Forgiveness is an ongoing process rather than a once-off event (Heintzelman, 2014, p. 14). 

Secondly, a recommitment to the relationship is essential to rebuilding trust. The previous relationship is now over and a new relationship needs to be established. Everything is up for grabs. Being vulnerable, sharing emotions, understanding and respecting each other will build trust. Vulnerability requires courage. Re-building trust is an integral part of the process and takes determined effort from both partners (Rokach & Chan, 2023, p. 12).

Finally, the couple needs to form a strong new attachment. Communication, especially about sexual intimacy, is key to building a strong attachment. Couples can be astonishingly resilient and an immense growth opportunity presents itself. Commitment to therapy with an experienced, sensitive counsellor, working through issues of blame, resentment, betrayal and forgiveness and learning new ways of communicating and resolving conflict can help rebuild the relationship and resilience. 

Check out this free app by Gottman Card Deck for some great connection themes such Love Maps, Rituals of Connection, Sex Questions, Listening Skills and so much more. Turning towards each other and processing daily arguments frequently a builds connection and strengthens your relationship. It's possible to recover from the devastating effects of an affair and rebuild a strong intimate relationship.

Call Robin today on 0421 224 070 or click here to book your couple's counselling session. 

Source:

Heintzelman, A. et al., (2014). Recovery From Infidelity: Differentiation of Self, Trauma, Forgiveness, and Posttraumatic Growth Among Couples in Continuing Relationships. Article in Couple and Family Psychology Research and Practice DOI: 10.1037/cfp0000016

Johnson, S. (2005). Broken Bonds: An Emotionally Focused Approach to Infidelity. The Haworth Press, Inc. Available online at http://www.haworthpress.com/web/JCRTdoi:10.1300/J398v04n02_03 17

Rokach, A. and Chan, S. (2023). Love and Infidelity: Causes and Consequences. Int. J. Environ. Res. Public Health (20)3904. https://doi.org/10.3390/ijerph20053904