Do you try to control your close relationships?
Have strong, healthy relationships.
Don't you hate it when people you're close to, (partner, siblings, best friend), won't be controlled? Do you sacrifice your own needs for others, and end up feeling resentful and taken advantage of? Are you taking on other people's responsibilities, trying to change someone by offering to help and take over when not asked? Do you 'Play God' in the lives of everyone around you, trying to control them, is a sign of co-dependency. "If I change him to do what I want, I'll be happy". Wrong! The only person you can change is yourself. The solution lies with you.
So why do people stay in unhealthy, loveless, dysfunctional and often abusive relationships? There are no easy answers as so many factors influence this, and it's just not possible to adequately explore it here in a blog. But one consistent contributing trait I see, is the attraction and the dysfunction that narcissism causes in relationships. I came across this well written Tip Sheet 20 Signs You are Married to a Narcissist by Sylvia Smith, marriage.com, and I thought it was worth sharing.
People who are co-dependant, are often 'over-givers' and overly responsible for the 'taker' and may do things for the 'taker' without being asked. Perhaps you are always giving and caring for others but end up being too helpful and rescuing the other person. You may even end up feeling frustrated and burned out. Ross Rosenberg, Self Love Recovery Institute, has expertly redefined co-dependency as having Self Love Deficit Disorder (SLDD), are often attracted to a narcissist. As Rosenberg describes, they give all their love, respect and care to others and because of the attraction to the narcissist, yet find their needs are not met and the three things they give and desperately need are just not reciprocated. They live in a very lonely and often abusive relationship but may be unable to leave due to fear and deep feelings of shame and loneliness. What's the cost of leaving the narcissist? Fear of the pain. Ross Rosenberg explores the cost-benefit of leaving in detail here
The good news is, it's possible to unlearn this learned co-dependent / Self Love Deficit Disorder (SLDD) behaviour. There is an antidote. Self Care and Self Love are the solution. Co-dependancy is often a symptom of not loving yourself enough, and needing validation from others in order to feel good about yourself, and so we end up elevating other people's needs above our own or trying to control the behaviour of others to have our needs met. It becomes a cycle, difficult to break out of. So we need to 'find ourselves' again, let go of what we can't 'control' recharge our batteries, discover our own needs, put ourselves first and learn love, value and accept ourselves.
Working with a trained therapist as well as joining a mutual support groups such as AlAnon or CoDa, can help you on your journey to break the cycle of 'playing God' and co-dependancy. These local and online groups, based on anonymity, are free, nonprofessional, self-supporting, spiritually based, apolitical, and welcome all cultures.
Talk to me, if you'd like help to live your best life and break free of living with a narcissist or unlearn co-dependancy and have strong, healthy relationships.
Call Robin 0421 224 070 at Counselling Solution, Forster NSW.
References
Beyond Blue Self Care. https://www.beyondblue.org.au/personal-best/topics/self-care
HeadSpace How to Practice Self Love https://www.headspace.com/mindfulness/self-love
Psychology Today Codependency. Online https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/basics/codependency
Rosenberg, R. Introduction to Self-Love Deficit Disorder and Self-Love Abundance—The SLDD and SLA Pyramids Online
https://www.selfloverecovery.com/pages/self-love-deficit-disorder
Rosenberg, R. Codependency Is Not the Problem! It's Shame, Loneliness, Relationship Addiction & Childhood Trauma Online https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zoD1vwcrgTM&list=PLdsdbto7hkXtucpmoaQCX_cdrFEP5endK&index=1
Rosenberg, R. Staying or Leaving my Narcissist. The Cost-Benefit Question: Narcissistic Abuse. Online https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i57pNL2qyJI&list=PLdsdbto7hkXtucpmoaQCX_cdrFEP5endK&index=5
AlAnon 12 Steps Program https://www.al-anon.org.au
Smith, S. 20 Signs You're Married to a Narcissist. Online https://www.marriage.com/advice/mental-health/signs-you-are-married-to-a-narcissist/