Understanding the "Anger" of Perimenopause: A Guide for Women and Their Partners

I've been hearing a recurring theme lately—anger, when working with women through various life stages. It’s not the typical “bad day” anger, but something deeper, something related to the fluctuating hormones of perimenopause. If you're a woman in midlife, feeling a surge of irritability, frustration, or even rage, especially directed towards your partner, you're definitely not alone.

What's Happening in Perimenopause?

The hormonal rollercoaster that is perimenopause affects more than just your physical body. Estrogen, which regulates many of our brain's feel-good chemicals like serotonin and dopamine, is in flux during this time. And when these levels dip, so can our moods. If you've found yourself snapping at your partner/husband over little things—whether it's his habits, your household duties, or just the fact that he’s not going through what you're going through—there's a biochemical explanation behind it.

Research Supports What You're Feeling

In a 2024 study, ‘Friends? Supported. Partner? Not so much...’, 71 women, aged 37 to 65, shared their experiences of menopause and the strain it put on their relationships. The researchers found that many women felt unsupported by their partners during perimenopause, with a lack of understanding about the emotional and physical challenges they were facing. One common sentiment was that while friends were there for them, their partners were often less than helpful or empathetic, which only added to feelings of isolation and resentment.

These fluctuating moods are far from simple irritability. Estrogen, which typically helps manage serotonin, is decreasing, leading to drops in serotonin levels. This means that a woman going through perimenopause may feel more easily frustrated, sad, or even angry. It's not just the mood swings that can leave you frustrated, but also the physical symptoms—like hot flushes, night sweats, and irregular periods—that make navigating life feel like you're walking through fog.

What’s Behind the Anger?

The combination of these factors can create a perfect storm of emotional unrest. Some of the reasons behind the anger include:

1. Physical Discomforts: Hot flushes, night sweats, and disrupted sleep can make even the calmest person feel on edge. You’re literally burning up, sweating through your clothes, and tossing and turning at night while your partner sleeps soundly. This disparity can breed resentment.

2. Outdated Stereotypes: Society often ties menopause to images of “getting older” or “losing one’s attractiveness,” which can leave women feeling less than themselves. As you watch your body change, it’s easy to feel disconnected from the person you once were, and sometimes, that frustration is taken out on the closest person—your husband.

3. Existential Questions: Perimenopause can prompt deep reflections on life choices—whether you’ve had children, whether you’ve achieved what you thought you would by this age, and if you’re satisfied with the life you’ve built. These questions can stir up unresolved feelings, particularly towards a partner.

4. Unresolved Relationship Tensions: As the study from SAGE Journals found, unresolved issues within the relationship often come to the forefront. The stress of midlife—juggling family, work, and personal identity—often leaves little room for emotional connection, and this can be felt more intensely during perimenopause.

What Can You Do About It?

Now that we understand what’s happening hormonally and emotionally, let’s look at practical ways to manage these mood swings and restore balance:

1. Acknowledge the Hormonal Influence: Understanding that your anger may be related to hormonal changes can be incredibly freeing. You're not just "overreacting" or being "irrational." There's science behind your emotions. Once you accept this, it can take the pressure off both you and your partner to fix everything in the heat of the moment.

2. Self-Care Is Crucial: Engaging in activities that help regulate your mood can be beneficial. Consider yoga—it's not just about flexibility, but also about calmness and balance. Studies show yoga helps reduce menopausal symptoms, improving mood and easing anxiety.

3. Natural Supplements and Therapy: Supplements like St. John’s Wort may help ease mood swings. But make sure you check with a healthcare provider before adding anything to your routine. Talk therapy is also a fantastic tool. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) is also a great tool for managing emotional responses during menopause. ACT focuses on accepting your emotions without judgment, developing psychological flexibility, and committing to actions that align with your values—essentially, it helps you live a meaningful life, even during difficult times.

4. Communicate With Your Partner: If you're in a relationship, your partner’s understanding is key. The study mentions that many women felt unsupported by their spouses during perimenopause. Open up about what you're going through. Share how you're feeling and what kind of support you need—whether it's emotional, physical, or simply having some space. Husbands, don’t offer solutions right away—just listen and empathise. This simple gesture can go a long way in helping your partner feel heard.

The Bigger Picture

Menopause can trigger significant emotional changes, and while it’s a natural part of life, it’s not always easy to navigate. Women experiencing these emotional fluctuations should know that these feelings are not a reflection of personal weakness, nor are they something you simply have to endure. Help is available in many forms—whether it’s through lifestyle changes, professional support, or natural remedies.

In the words of one of the women from the SAGE Journals study, “I just want to feel heard and understood by my partner during this phase.” Let’s work towards creating that understanding—for both women and their partners—so that this transition can be a smoother, more supportive journey.

Tips for Partners:

• Be patient. Understand that the irritability may not be about you, but about what she’s going through.

• Don’t take things personally, but also don’t dismiss her feelings.

• Help around the house or offer to take over some responsibilities without being asked.

• Empathise, don’t try to fix it—sometimes, she just needs someone to listen.

Navigating perimenopause doesn’t have to mean navigating it alone. Reach out for support, whether from a therapist, healthcare provider, or your partner. Understanding the root of these changes can help everyone involved adjust and find new ways to connect.

References:

1. SAGE Journals. (2024). “Friends? Supported. Partner? Not so much...: Women’s experiences of friendships, family, and relationships during perimenopause and menopause.” Journal of Menopausal Medicine, https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/09593535241242563.

2. Healthline. (2023). "Menopause and Anger: How Hormonal Shifts Affect Your Mood." Healthline, https://www.healthline.com/health/menopause/menopause-anger.

3. Mindset Health. (2023). "Menopause and Anger Toward Husbands." Mindset Health, https://www.mindsethealth.com/matter/menopause-and-anger-toward-husbands.

4. Join Midi. (2023). "Menopause and Your Mood: How Shifting Hormones Influence Mental Health." Midi, https://www.joinmidi.com/post/menopause-and-your-mood-how-shifting-hormones-influence-mental-health.

5. PubMed. (2015). "Mood Changes and Menopause: The Role of Hormonal Fluctuations." PubMed Central, https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/26529616/.

6. Express. (2023). “Penny Lancaster Talks About Menopause and How it Affects Relationships.” Express, https://www.express.co.uk/showbiz/tv-radio/1604893/penny-lancaster-threw-plate-rod-stewart-menopause-health-hrt.

7. Australasian Menopause Society. (2023). "Mood Disturbances in Menopause: Increased Anger and Irritability." Australasian Menopause Society, https://www.menopause.org.au.