Counsellor Insights—Buying Love a Letter of Addiction
Counsellor Insights
When confronted by life’s myriad traumas and complexities, we sometimes believe it impossible that anyone ever could truly understand us, or our situation, and especially about how we arrived at this place. And, all-the-while, we dream of escaping to somewhere better without the drama and angst, usually having absolutely no idea of where or even how to begin. All too often, we end up seeking solace from well-meaning, but poorly informed friends and family, craving their affirmation that we’re not wrong, not bad, and yet, never thinking to seek our own professional guidance and counselling so we can live life better.
As a professional counsellor, I can help you unravel the mess and trauma of life, and help you begin living your very best life.
“I’m happy to go where ever you recommend.” ... “[M]y question always is, what does he want me to change?”
For any counsellor practitioner, receiving a letter such as Sarah’s plea for help is a precious treasure, because it encapsulates her stream of consciousness at writing. Reading between the lines of Sarah’s letter is like following a guidebook to her emotions, her struggles, and her hopes and dreams. Every paragraph reveals some new insight, some aspect of her situation. It is our task to uncover and explain these for our clients. Read on with me, as we explore Sarah’s Letter of Addiction.
On Having Faith
“[W]e’re going through this for some reason, and I’m asking God if there’s something he wants me to change.” ... “[We] are generous, and love Jesus, and wanted to build a loving, giving Christian family. Anyone who would know about us and all this would think we would never be having all these problems today.”
Are Christian marriages immune from problems? People are people and all relationships experience difficult moments. Marriage issues are more often the norm than the exception, even in Christian marriages. Christians and people with strong faith often mistakenly believe God will somehow exempt them from hardship. Without doubt, having a faith, and knowing God is beneficial. However, I believe God is far more interested in what we can learn from our struggles, than to reach down into our world and extricate us from what we ought to do and change about ourselves. We alone are responsible for our actions.
Women Believe their Man will Change
“[W]hen they go out, they do drink (mostly a lot) but, Charles always assured me he is doing all this because he is alone, and all this will change when we get married and we are always together.”
Well before her marriage, Sarah was acutely aware of Charles proclivities. She wanted to believe him, that he would somehow change once married, or that, perhaps her display of great love would cure him. This problem existed from the beginning, and only intensified over time. He is a liar, relationally absent and deceitful. His friends were central to him and he lived his lie behind a facade of wholesome desire to love and change.
Blame Shifting
“[M]ostly [he] goes off to the club. He plays those gambling slot and poker machines. When I ask him about this, his excuses to me are always the same, that if I change, then everything will be okay and he wouldn’t be going off and doing all these things.”
And here we reach the crux of the matter. Sarah is an enabler.
Enabling: supports another’s bad habits, making it easier for them to continue their bad habits, addiction and perpetuates substance abuse (in this case, gambling). www.hazeldenbettyford.org/articles/enabling-fact-sheet
She validated his actions; and it’s a hugely unloving and destructive response. But, we never see enabling as unloving and destructive; when caught in this cycle, it seems the absolute most loving response. So, when does your ‘help’ become a hindrance to an addict? When you are making excuses, ignoring your own needs, and rescuing or over-giving in any relationship, these are all signs of an enabler. Doing these things prevent the addict from experiencing their reality and needing to change. ‘Women who love too much’, Robin Norwood’s book, helps people understand why they find themselves trapped in self-destructive, unhappy relationships, without knowing why.
Buying Love
“I love him a lot and more than I can ever possibly show or imagine, all the time. … But, when he comes home feeling as though he has wasted so much money, I have always consoled him, always telling him that it is okay and to forget about what’s happened, and that we will manage somehow.”
Sarah is buying Charles love—and it’s not with unconditional love, it is in fact, an exchange of love for services; buying love is all about keeping another happy so they will stay on in ‘your’ relationship. The buyer of love genuinely believes they’re being kind and loving by constantly overlooking and condoning the other’s ‘sins’ or bad habits. And yet, all the while, the buyer of love is sorely deceived, actually perpetuating and contributing to the addiction cycle. She detests his behaviour and fears the consequences of squarely confronting him about his actions. Meanwhile, the addict stays comfortable and secure in their addiction, because the buyer of love constantly validates and reinforces.
Obsessed with Love, Avoiding our Pain and Emptiness
“There have been many many times when he has told me how he was so sorry that he wasted almost all of his salary… And I have always been very supportive of him and not blamed him but, always told him one thing, that it doesn’t matter if he’s not going back to it again.”
Although Sarah is obviously well aware of Charle’s addiction and poor money management, somehow she’s convinced herself that she’s doing enough of the right things to truly help him, but she just can’t fathom as to why he never changes. She is operating from strong denial, constantly making excuses for his behaviour, and, in herself, is jointly addicted to love and to him. She can’t stop this, she’s disempowered, dependent, and utterly helpless, giving too much of herself with little or nothing in return. Why was she drawn into this powerfully addictive and destructive relationship in the first place? Her love has turned to fear, and her help to control. Perhaps as Norwood suggests in her book, ‘Women who love too much’, “We use our obsession with the men we love to avoid our pain, emptiness, fear, and anger. We use our relationships as drugs, to avoid experiencing what we would feel if we held still with ourselves.”
Break the Cycle
“Charles has been going to play the pokie machines even though he lost his job. Yesterday evening, he came finally back home … and says he has lost so much money, implying that this happened because of me, and then he tells me only I can make him stop. He woke me at 3:30 AM because he couldn’t sleep; and for the first time, tells me that he feels he shouldn’t be drinking or playing the gambling machines; he says this isn’t what he wants to do with his life… Later that morning he tells me he loves me a lot and says he is sorry for everything he has done.”
Both people in the addiction cycle need help. Talk with someone—a professional who understands. Accept the reality of the situation. Return responsibility to its owner. Take care of yourself. Break the enabling cycle. Compulsive behaviour and substance abuse is treatable. Therapists show that addicts respond positively Cognitive Behaviour Therapy treatment. Partners of addicts, such as Sarah, and perhaps you too, must practice self-care. The solution for relationship co-dependancy and addiction, as Norwood states, “involves getting help from an appropriate support group [so as] to break the cycle of addiction, [learning] to seek feelings of self-worth and well-being from [other] sources than a man unable to foster those feelings. The key is in learning how to live a healthy, satisfying, and serene life without being dependent on another person for happiness.”
AlAnon or Gam-Anon helping partners impacted by addiction is one such group. "Al-Anon, a mutual-help group for people with alcoholic friends or family members, pioneered the idea of detachment with love—and recovery for the loved ones of alcoholics. A core principle of Al-Anon is that alcoholics cannot learn from their mistakes if they are overprotected. Detachment with love means caring enough about others to allow them to learn from their mistakes. It also means being responsible for our own recovery and making decisions without ulterior motives or the desire to control others."
Moments of Recognition, Seeing Who we are
“Today, I don’t know what to believe! Does he really love me? … Or, maybe the truth… he really doesn’t love me and can’t stand being with me, and I am actually the cause of all his problems, and that’s why he’s doing everything like he does. I have most reason to believe this latter about my bad influence and me being unlovable… And so, here I am now, confused, baffled, feeling at fault, uncertain of what’s next.”
We don’t live in isolation. I view my client’s conflict through Attachment Theory, which states that strong emotional and physical attachment is critical to personal development. Attachment Theory provides the foundation for Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) and the understanding that in intimate relationships, conflict is caused by an individual's abandonment fears which, in turn leads to feelings of insecurity and mistrust. Thus, these feelings of mistrust can lead to negative behaviours and responses towards one's partner. And it is these feelings that trigger patterns of negative cycles in every interaction and misunderstanding.
In Sarah’s case, she may be responding from fear of abandonment, perhaps clinging to what could be, instead of seeing her reality for what it is. Perhaps she is anxious due to her insecure attachment and constantly wanting to meet her partner’s needs. Likely, she’s worried he’s pulling away, and so she takes things personally. Perhaps you too have identified with Sarah, or Charles, as you’ve read her insightful letter. Is your relationship difficult, are you constantly blaming yourself for things going wrong? Do you often find yourself feeling angry and resentful? Why do bad things happen to good people?
“Empathy are moments when we see more fully who we are, who the other is and what is happening between us. Moments of recognition. Empathy is not a mechanical process that we can learn from a book or following an instruction manual. It's a slow dance and just getting our feet in the right place and mimicking dancing steps will not help us feel the music within oneself, within one's partner and the push and pull of the body contact in the dance. Empathetic responses come when we experience profound relatedness in which our experiences resonate with the experiences of others in ways that allow us to see and feel the depths of these experiences without being overwhelmed.” Doehring, C. Taking Care. Monitoring Power Dynamics and Relational Boundaries in Pastoral Care and Counselling. Abingdon Press. Nashville. 1995 Pg 102
If you identified with what you read, need help, or know someone who needs help, Contact Me, or telephone, 0421 224 070.
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