Emotional maturity is owning your own feelings

Practicing emotional maturity in difficult conversations, defuses conflict.  “You make me so mad when you go out all the time!” Blaming statements like this may well result in a defensive response from your listener. I’m sure you’ve experienced this some time in your life and seen a negative result. 

Be emotionally mature; turn this around by owning your feelings and using constructive communication. 

Clearly communicate your feelings and beliefs using an ‘I-statement' such as “I feel really angry when I’m left at home with the kids while you’re out your friends every weekend.” 

Acknowledging our feelings and not suppressing or minimising them is emotional maturity. Taking responsibility for what we feel means we spend less time focussed on trying to change what others feel. We are emotionally mature when we take time to self-reflect and process our feelings. Once we own the feelings we can then use that information to make simple I-statements. 

When we use ‘I feel…' statements we no longer focus on the actions and beliefs of the person we talking to but rather we now own our stuff. How you share is as important as the words themselves. 

Constructive communication is not blaming the other. It’s about assertively expressing what fuels your anger and then finishing off with a solution. This is such a powerful communication tool. You may know the theory of using I-statements but when do we use them? When you’re feeling escalated, do you consciously own your feelings using I-statements?

Using ‘I-statements can turn around conflict and remove accusations in a heated moment. Escalations occur when the other party feels accused or blamed, forcing them to justify and defend their position.

One recent study shows I-statements are the most effective tool for minimising hostility during conflict. When couples focus on their feelings they de-escalate arguments by using I-feel statements, not you-statements, which blame the other. This simple strategy builds great empathy for others, results in better discussions and strengthens your relationships. 

Some practical suggestions: 

‘You’ statements:

“You hurt my feelings"

“You don’t care about what I say.”

“You never share your feelings with me.”

“You didn’t call me to say you’d be late.”

‘I’ statements:

“I felt hurt when you said it that way and in that tone of voice.”

“I feel hurt when my feelings aren’t acknowledged.”

“I would love to know how you feel about…”

“I was worried about you and missed you letting me know you were ok and safe.”

Switching language may feel silly at first, but applying and practicing I-statements brings incredible results. Good communication is the foundation of a strong, healthy relationship. 

Relationships Australia have some practical strategies called, How to Use ‘I’ Statements Instead of ‘You’ Statements During Difficult Conversations

Watch this three minute video Positive Communication with 'I' statements, showing why we feel defensive, to learn how to have better communication. 

I can help you build Emotional Maturity. 

Contact me 0421 224 070 at Counselling Solution, Forster NSW.

Russ Harris, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy ACT, shares some great ideas about the messiness of love, from his book, ACT with LOVE.